This is a note more directed to myself. I don’t want to preach, to force people on how to live their lives. I want to explore why I do what I do with a bit of substance, rather than “just because I want to”. Which is also partially true.
My life tends to go through phases where I focus on specific aspects of personal growth, as the need arises.
When really young, I spent a great deal on time on topics such as how to save money, how to exercise, and how to lose weight. I’m still fumbling with these to this day. But I first started to care when I was in a long term relationship in early high school, where those subjects were a priority. You can guess why.
When my marks plummeted in some university courses (don’t get me started,) I began looking for ways to study more effectively - to use time more effectively. To juggle work, energy, hobbies, relationships, study. I didn’t thrive, but I managed.
After some personal hardships (and that long term relationship ended, ha,) I delved into stoicism, philosophy, self-acceptance and all that emotional regulation mumbo jumbo. How to establish boundaries. How to prevent burnout. How to delegate responsibilities. What’s within my control, what is out of my control. How to ask for help. How and when to rely on others. What relationships means to me.
Little by little, I’ve noticed the results of applying the work necessary into each of these aspects of life. As of recent, I’ve been exploring the concept of influence, and change extending beyond the individual. How can I effect change in others? In what ways can I afford to allocate my energy into the world around me, whilst avoiding overextending myself? What feels like too much and what feels like not enough?
One method I’ve picked up within the last couple of years, is encouraging friends to do things by just doing it with them.
What do you mean? What does it look like?
It’s really just that. When people say they want to do things, I’ll do it with them. I’ll stay perceptive to people’s ambitions. If it lines up with my interests and schedule, I’ll do it with them. Making a detour, but not quite going out of my way.
Why do this? What do I get out of it?
Altruism or ego?
As much as I would like to espouse my virtuousness by doing things purely for the sake of others, I’m not that person. I don’t think I would continue doing this if I didn’t see any benefit to my self. I enjoy helping others do what they want to do, particularly if it’s something I also want to do. Helping others makes me feel good. But also, my ego is enormous. I think I can almost do what everyone and anyone can do.
It’s not simply a matter of “I’ll happily go out of my way to fulfil someone else’s dream”. It’s something more along the lines of “yeah, watch how little I care about how hard this is. I’ll do it anyway. Just because I can. And I’ll still make sure I work to fulfil my own dreams.” That’s the ego. Whilst I do enjoy accomplishing things and sharing new experiences with others, I’m an inherently competitive person, and I lean into that. I often feel empowered when doing things in a group compared to when I’m on my own.
The person I wished I had in my life
I am not perfect. But I try to do what I think a version of me I want to be would. I’ve been in positions where I’m spinning all the plates for the sake of everyone. It’s also stupidly easy to be self serving and only focus on yourself. At least, its easier to me now. It wasn’t always. Now I’m in a stable enough (hardly stable, really,) position, I allocate more of myself to making things better for those around me. I think the experience is worthwhile. My partner’s mum communicates this advice well through the following analogy: sometimes you pour for yourself, sometimes you pour for others.
I’ve also let people down and been let down countless times. When the meet up falls through. When I don’t reply to someone’s text. When I choose one option over another. And when others do this to me. We pretend it doesn’t hurt, but it does. The rejection adds up. Despite this, I don’t want to stop trying. I want to do what I can to make moments great, especially as we all get older and these moments become fewer. Good enough is better than never. Waiting around for other people to create these moments will just leave me frustrated and in a huff. The disappointment disappears when I enact the change I wish existed.
Another point about who I want to be: I want to help people become the people they want to become. I wish people had advocated this for me more growing up. Instead, I grew up constantly kicking the cage and cursing the hand I’ve been dealt. A lot of the useful thoughts and traits I identify with were explored and found in the most unlikely places. The ideas I liked. I remember feeling lost - with nothing quite ringing true. I guess that feeling doesn’t go away. But I know that I want to be what past me wished existed. So I try to change to be this. I try to answer the call, despite everything pulling me back to ‘the way things have always been’. Even to this day, I realise I face resistance to change. Only now that I’ve had time and opportunity to grow in directions I’ve wanted, do I realise the sense of calming satisfaction it has been providing to the violent storm that is my inner conscience.
What friends give us
Connection
I’m not sure how things were “back in the day”. Whatever that was, what I see now upsets me. People are following but distant - up to date but shallow. I, and I assume others too, value deep and meaningful connections and friendships. Memories, that mean more than just liking someone’s post about their meal they’re eating for their 23rd cat’s second toy purchase anniversary. I don’t care. I’m not there. I haven’t hung out with you for like 10 years. Are you even the same person anymore?
But doing things with people, in person? Even if it’s a trainwreck, it’s better than letting life, connections, and great moments pass me by. Even the losses are wins. Because it’s a step in the direction of fighting loneliness and sadness, for the brief moments that they may be. If I have to spend a bit of extra money, or wake up earlier, or drive further out, or calculate the optimal route to the next shop in a panic when the bike rental store closes 5 hours earlier than what they advertised - so be it. It’s worth it. Doing things with people makes it more encouraging to do. Even when you fail.
Presence and life’s duration
I hate being on autopilot. I hate letting days whizz by, only to realise nothing’s changed. I’m dying. We’re all dying. If I’m not living or moving towards a more satisfying life - I will only have less and less time to do so.
I think a lot about this. About our place and meaning in the world. About how little time we have. 70-110 years? At best? With the last 30 years spent, only being half-able bodied? It’s so short. It’s unbearably short. We have so little time. It makes me cry. I cry a lot. And then when I’ve cried enough, I go and do the thing. I be where I need to be, and do what I need to do. Fully. As fully as I can. And that makes me stop crying.
Accountability
Give the painter their canvas. Turn over the stones. Whatever you want to call it. People sometimes need a little extra motivation. It could be the tipping point before their next breakthrough, or their inspiration to try after a long bout of giving up. I feel that when I sign myself up to something, and others sign up to it, we are bound to each other to try harder to see it through. I’m not sure which is a greater driving force - doing things for yourself, or doing things for others. Regardless, they are both great tools and can be leveraged accordingly.
What is hard about it?
Special treatment
I encourage people to do things by openly asking if people want to do them with me. Some people don’t like being shepherded. Despite how many times I ask, and even if they want to do the thing, they won’t. Because of the way that I ask. I deal with this by realising that I am only providing a service in a way that works for me. I can’t plan your life for you. So we are at a standoff. Me, at one point, which is as far as I can go. And them, wherever they are, wanting to meet too. But never meeting.
People don’t like taking the first step
Myself included. I pause. I doubt. I self-criticise. I ask people if they want to hang out, then eagerly await their reply, their reactions, for them to laugh or respond positively. I want to feel validated, immediately. Being vulnerable is hard. I’m working on this.
Embracing the suck
There are times when I overextend myself for the sake of others. Sometimes, it’s a fun experience. Like that time I waited nearly two hours for a sandwich. Sometimes, I see my limits and do what is necessary to make space for myself again. Other times, I’ll plan everything I can to ensure a great time, and things still fall to pieces. Acknowledging it is all part of the game helps me cope with this.
Being the glue - social dynamics
Some friends don’t click with others. I have to navigate this. When I do things with others, I myself am a factor at play also. New experiences can be a lot to process, so I do what I can to ensure harmony and mutual understanding when friends clash. I’ll absorb responsibility, and act as glue for this web. It’s necessary. Staying out of drama only lets drama happen.
When shouldn’t I do things with friends?
When I need to truly focus and specialise. In these scenarios if I need other people involved, I am better served by the right people I need to make this happen.
When I need to be alone. There are some things friends should do alone, and I should do alone.
When I truly don’t want to. I don’t have capacity, the mood for it, money, energy, time. Or even if I do, just because I don’t want to.
What’s next? Where do I go with this?
I’ve been measuring my ‘success’ roughly by the following internal heuristics: does what I’m doing feel right to me? Am I moving the needle towards a future I believe in? So far it has been a yes. I could be doing more. I could be doing less. The future is hazy, but I am heading the right way.
There are several challenges I’d like to think about and get some answers to. Eventually. We’ll cross those bridges when we get there.
Examples:
- How big is too big?
- How can I be inclusive?
- Can I inspire others to help drive this change?
- Can I delegate to others?
I understand that this is all airy fairy and idealistic. Good.